forever stuck with these feelings I can’t place 

and these words I can’t say

always running around in my mind

lost and looking for that light that should lead me home

or at least to a place that feels like it

tired of grasping at the life that keeps slipping through my fingers

like grains of sand

sick to the bone of holding back the tears that aren’t coming

looking at the world through the eyes of a tired man

it seems like I’m on the wrong side of a two way mirror

staring back at myself instead of seeing the world on the other side

they say to put a step here and another there

and you will get to where you are going

but I’m going nowhere and the journey is wearing 

it is bland and cold and the leaves that fall around my feet 

all died before they even left the trees

still I put a foot here and another one there

but I don’t feel the ground beneath me 

I don’t hear the sounds around me 

And I can’t see the sun above me

What good are eyes that can’t watch a sunset?

Or hands that can’t hold a lover right?

Of what use is a heart that can feel no delight?

Sometimes I wish I could be more 

Than the sum of all my failures 

But deep down I already know

That I am just but a prisoner to my nature

So lie to me and tell me 

That it’s going to be alright

Sell me that hope that seems so hard to find

I don’t care if my world is to burn down tonight

I don’t care to see it at all


Pain and Relief



The soft petals of a red rose under your fingertips
The taste of a thorn inside your palms
The blood that drips from your closed fist
When you try to take it by the stem
The pain and the red relief of a love that eventually dries up

The death of a memory is often a silent affair
It’s a whisper that slides down the strands of your hair
When the winds of change blow over your shoulders
I blinked and you were gone
I woke up from the last dream I had of you
And I felt the smile you wore with your blue dress
Slip past my conscious mind to get lost
Beneath the trap doors that trapped all the things I wanted to say to you
And all I was left with was the smell that I couldn’t connect
Forever trapped in the folds of the silk scarf
That you left laid out on the side of the bed
Where you used to lie

The lifespan of a fiery love
Is as short as the seconds that end it
For it is only but the nature of a fire to burn out
To leave the ashes to fade away

You were like cold water running over my scalded skin
I was the ice and the snow that was white with sin
My hands leave black marks wherever they’ve been
But you were mean with the way that you let me touch you
The cracks on the surface of your illusions of me
Invited me in
But you were mean with the ways that you let me touch you

I was never perfect but neither were you
I was never strong enough for all the pain you put me through
You with your sharp tongue and
You with your kind mind
You were the contrast on my perfect shades of blue
I came to love following the light of your footsteps
But the higher you go the further you fall
And the darkness always claims it’s own.


Are you afraid of the dark?
Is your soul afraid of the shadows in itself?
Do you sleep alone?
Do you choke in your sleep?
Of the sadness
And the pain?
I see a child of the dark in you
I know by heart,
Have mastered in depth
The deepness of you sorrow
The devils in your past
And the lust in your wombs
I see you hide
And I see you flee
Flee from your home and into my life
This place where people come to die
This is the last pit stop to hell
But I’m not the devil’s henchman
And you are not an angel of the lord
The impurities stain both our bodies
Don’t be scared of the dark.
You know you want to go in

A Little Tilt to the Left


A little out of touch
A little loose on the edge
A little far from home
A small small cry for help
And a little hope for love
For all the things lost in this world

She bends on her curves
And she breaks by her bones
She waits by her bed
For her lover that comes with the light
She cries when in her arms
She watches dawn come and go

Some ways above board
Some parts a dying heart
Some of the time a raging flood
Somewhere in the night, an empty shell
But always an aching need
For all that love couldn’t give

Her hopes and her despairs
In his eyes that plead
Her pain that he bears
Her fingers that feel  
His welcoming heart
Against her dying one

A Drop Of Conflict

Once upon a time ago,
I discovered my greatest flaw
It was recognition
I wanted to be recognized
See, I had lived all my life in the shadows of contentment
I needed no more I asked for no less
I was perfect in my little pleasures
The small specks of random admiration
The closed room of a congregation that
Smiled occasionally upon my makeshift brilliance
I thought it was all I needed
That I was free
But then, the truest of me rebelled
That part in me that I could not deceive
That little manufacturer of guilt
Restlessness crept in
Doubt caved in all around me
And the smoke from the rubble chocked
The pretend life out of my breath
And while I fought through self destruction,
Recognition floated with a halo and glided in the air above me
Like a savior from the Old Testament
Its light glowed and I knew it was
My Savior

So when I was whole again,
Cleansed of all the stains,
I pursued the symbol of my faith.
The instrument of my survival
The forger of my will of stone

But as is the inevitability of the circle of life,
Dictated by the roundness of a universe you cannot control,
It is that seasons come to an end,
Only to start again
The same doubt that I thought I had buried in the past,
Rose from the depths its tombs
And made me question again
I had sought a flaw
And thought myself perfect
I had destroyed peace
For a drop of conflict
And I had called it


Mortal Man

I will contribute a little of myself
To your suffering
If you pass by here again
With arms stretched open
Seeking for relief
It is only pain that you will find
If the world doesn’t start today
If the skies turn to grey
I will still find a way
To break you down a little more

The earth does not forget
And I am an aching need for revenge
I am the sea on a moonless night,
Seething, screaming in the storm,
I will swallow you whole
I am all the mistakes you will never forget
Calling out, clawing at your conscience
I will be the sand that fills your grave
The small sound of whispering grains
Singing sweet dirges in your ears

The Bible teaches forgiveness
And glorifies the wrath of God
It speaks of a peace
That lives through doors stained with blood
I will paint the gates of heaven with your blood
I will deliver you as a martyr to Jesus’ feet
And maybe you can blame him
For he never taught you the futility of repentance
In the arms of a mortal man  

It is a little cold in my bones
The way you don’t wrap around me
She said as she teared
In that voice she owns
Is it choice or is fear?
That you keep loving me in halves

And I said
Baby, you have no idea
I am half man as I am half devil
The animal that ravishes you between the sheets
He whispers to me when you sleep
He wants to eat you,
He lusts for tearing you apart
You see?
I can only love incompletely.

She tempts fate
The way she looks past my surface
Into His eyes
And with those two splendid feet
She dances on her graves
He knocks and He asks
I fight and she pleads
But he is stronger
And she
My God, the way she bleeds.

I am you
And everything else that you dread to be
You know she wants me
The way she licks my claws
The way she sticks to my tongue
Give her to me and stop all our pain
I promise she will not suffer.
But if I was to take her
It will be by her throat and by her corpse.

He came with that great fire of ’09
I must have left my doors open
She did not scream but she wept
Silently, like a still river
In that dream I had
He was as naked as the darkness
And he picked apart her ribs
And he dug out her heart
And he took her.