I wish you were here… I finally said it. I know I’ve always told myself that it didn’t matter much that you were gone. That I was okay and I didn’t miss you even a little bit. I’ve always thought that I never felt the hollowness of your absence because there were no memories to remind me of you. Even the vague ones that were just fragments of my subconscious did not seem to bring a sadness that you were no more. I must confess, I did not have much to hold on to. I still don’t. But today, today something changed.
For the first time, I saw you as more than just that black and white framed photo on my bedroom desk. I saw you more than just the memories of the pictures mom keeps in her room. I saw you as a person. I saw you as my father. I don’t know if it was the letters I read or the fact that I’m now old enough to think soberly, but suddenly, realization hit me that I was your son.
I see you smile enigmatically in those pictures, a small little grin that holds so much but reveals so little. I looked at the expression in your eyes and saw depths of wisdom, so rare for a person so young. And the fact that I know so little about you sort of hurts somewhere within. I feel something grow and stick in a lump in my throat. I don’t know what it is. I hate it.
This is not me. This can’t be how it was meant to be.
I often think of how things would have been if you were still around. But as a young soul, I only thought of the privileges I would get and the fights we would have had. But today, today something changed… I think of how it would be to have you around. What memories we would have made and what secrets we would trade. And suddenly, a rush of emotions that engulf me leave me temporarily blind. Though my eyesight fails every other sense in me is so alert it hurts. I feel emptiness. I feel lost. I feel so much uncertainty that my sanity is threatened. I don’t know why it took so long for this to happen. Because now as it does, I know it has always been in there somewhere.